It is official!!

Not only am I pregnant, I am addicted to peeing on things!!! Here is the evidence:

 Some pretty pictures there, aren't they!?
I had blood work done today too where they measure my hcp levels which indicates pregnancy. They like to see anything over 40 at this point and I was at 63!! So happy! I will go back on Monday for more, but for now, I'm going to be patient and try not to pee on anything ;)

Shhhh!!!!

If you see this then don't tell!!!! But, looks like IVF#2 worked!!!!!!

Is that you, nausea?

Or am I just going crazy with the waiting? I just made probably the healthiest meal I've eaten in 4 days. Egg whites and wheat toast. Then had some nausea. It was there and gone so fast, I may have imagined it. Just like my crazy fatigue. Could be a symptom, could be the time of year with the crazy holiday celebrations. See how much fun this is?

Bringing back the timeline...

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining <----- THIS WILL BE ME ON CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on
HPT

I am only 2dp3dt today, so my embryos are hopefully turning into awesome blastocysts at this point. Friday, when it is implantation is about to begin, I have an acupuncture appointment that will help with my embies implanting and snuggling in for the long haul. I can't wait!!

Here they are!!!

 

Our sweet little embies!!!!

We had 3 beautiful embies to transfer yesterday and none that they thought would make it to freeze so we went all in. I know it was a risk, but a risk we were comfortable taking. I had acupuncture before and after and it went amazing!! I fell asleep both times! 

So now its the waiting game. I have my blood test to find out Thursday, 12/30. We are very excited!!

In the mean time I've spent all my time home in bed, except for getting a drink, snack or going to the bathroom. Today we have a family holiday party but I can stay pretty mellow. Gotta let my embies snuggle in and get comfortable!!!

ER update, fert report, and more...

Well, sorry for the lack of updates. I have been exhausted and just taking it easy. Also full of mixed feelings but above all else, I need to stay positive. So, beginning with the ER. First, I had an acupuncture appointment bright and early before and it was awesome. Relaxing and almost put me to sleep. Then we went for the ER and all was good until they told me that I had to do more injections. The other ones, which were really no big deal this cycle, had to be given subcutaneous, or just below the skin. These shots, are the horror shots so I have heard. These had to be intramuscular, in my ass, and they cause wonderful bruising and soreness. Awesome.

I can handle anything thrown at me, that I am sure of. However, I was annoyed because they stated it was their protocol after a failed cycle, yet this was the first we had heard of it. My poor husband had to run all over trying to find it since our local pharmacy didn't have it. Had we known about this, we could have ordered it and had it here prior to the ER. Oh well.

So they retrieved 7. Not sure why the number was the same, but they showed some of them to Mr. W and stated how big and beautiful they are. We got the fert report yesterday and all 7 were mature, but only 3 fertilized. They are watching a 4th, however we won't know if it did fertilize and the quality until tomorrow when I go for the transfer. So, another 3dt, with some acupuncture before and after. Another early day, but its a good day as any to be reunited with our babies. 

::Struts around::

You know what someone told me today? I have beautiful follices! That's right! 14 of them going strong. ER is scheduled for Friday!! WOOHOO!!! This is awesome. I am so excited, I just feel like this is it. I have responded much better than last cycle, and the acupuncture has been a great addition to this protocol. I just finished my trigger shot. 9pm sharp!

Wish me luck on Friday!!

I told another person today

This whole process has been hard for both Mr. W and I. Physically it is very manageable and I can truly say it could be a lot worse. Emotionally is another story. It is hard to wonder who we should tell, who we don't want to know, etc. In a perfect world, we would tell all the people we love and embrace the support. However, this is not a perfect world. Some people can't keep comments to themselves, some people are ignorant to some things in this world, I'm sure that is no revelation. See the youtube video below if you're truly confused as to why I would say that. The first time through this cycle, we kept to ourselves, told very few people, we just wanted to deal with this in our own way. This time through, we have told more people. There will be some people we will never tell, but that is the way it is sometimes. We have found it is a comfort level and we go along as we feel comfortable. There is less stress and anxiety that way.

I told one of my best friends today and damn it feels good to finally be able to talk to her about it. She has never been through anything IF related, however, she's an awesome friend and supports me no matter what. I just had kept to myself  for these past few months, not wanting to lie, not wanting to be awkward, and I feel awful about that. I know she understands though. I am not only lucky to have such great e-friends, I'm truly blessed to have friends right here, that I can drive less than 2 minutes to go have coffee in my pajamas with, that are supportive and trustworthy and awesome. I love you N.

To quote a good friend, my ovaries LOVE acupuncture.

Maybe not, but that's what I'm choosing to believe. I had a monitoring appointment today, and the u/s tech stayed pretty quiet. At the end, she looked at me with a huge grin and said to me "Well, I'm not sure if it was the acupuncture or what but you had AMAZING growth over the weekend." On Friday, my largest follicles were 11mm, one almost 12mm, with several smaller. She told me before we started that we should expect to see them about 15mm today. Well, I had quite a few in the 18mm range, and smaller. Probably about 10-12 that should be looking to be mature at this point. She also said that my cysts have shrunk. WOOHOO!!!!

I spoke to the fertility clinic today and they said that we'll know for sure on Wednesday after another monitoring appointment, however plan on an ER for Friday. OMG!!! This could mean one hell of a NYE for us!

Tomorrow I have another acupuncture appointment but its supposed to storm. As I may have said before, there is about an hour and 15 minute drive each way, and coupled with snow, that could not be so much fun. I just think it is very necessary to go up there though. My mind needs it, and clearly my ovaries love it!

I conquered a fear today.

Well, I not a real legitimate fear, but a thing that has always intimidated the hell out of me. Acupuncture. Boy did I rock that. So much so, I'll be back on Tuesday for another session.

So, I promised you a recap and you shall have it. All in all it was great, and I'm glad I'm doing it. Honestly I feel as though it is one more step towards starting our family. The more I can do to work towards that, the better I feel. So after a peaceful drive up, about an hour and 15 minutes, I was guided to a room.  I talked to the lady for quite a bit before we started. She explained things very thoroughly and very clearly. She then put in the needles which are so thin they would sway in the wind, and they only enter them to a certain point, so they stay very superficial. I had them in my ankle, lower leg, hand, forearm, stomach, shoulder where it meets my neck, and head. I only felt a couple of them go in. And anything I felt, lasted for a second.

So after that part which really was less than 5 minutes, I laid there, listening to the music, sending positive energy and thoughts to my uterus and ovaries, and relaxed for about 30 minutes. I definitely felt relaxed and as though my legs were made of lead. I didn't want to move, and certainly didn't feel like I could even if I wanted to. I will say I felt as relaxed as I do when I left, as I do after a massage.

Then the tears flowed. Why do you ask? Well, I went to pay, and I was told I had 6 sessions taken care of on behalf of "[A wonderful lady whose name will be anonymous] from Ohio." The lady at the desk told me that there was an email accompanying it and I almost fell on the ground in shock. There were 2 other ladies there that looked at me in shock as well when they heard what the lady had told me. They told me I must have some people that really love me and are behind me. Well, I certainly do. 

Let me explain. Once upon a time, I ventured onto a public message board. I had baby fever like you would not believe but we were not trying yet at this point. I posted to learn about my body and everything they never taught you in health class, and I posted to speak to ladies that seemed pretty farking cool. We shared jokes and laughed, shared stories and listened, shared heartache and cried together. Ladies who I have never met, but I just developed an e-friendship with them that is hard to describe and explain if you have never  been in my shoes. We took it off of the public site and kept developing our friendships, shared addresses and personal info that is a no no on the interwebz, and grew closer and closer. Some of these ladies I consider to be best friends. Some of these best friends, I have never met in person, although some of them I have been incredibly luck and fortunate to have met in person. And, let me tell you when I do meet these ladies in person, its like we've been friends forever and there is not even a hint of awkwardness, or lull in conversation, or fumbling for things to talk about. We talk pretty much daily, but there is always something. 


In these boards, I've found my own support group. Nothing that you could ever recreate by any means. These incredible ladies are behind me and supporting so much that they wanted to contribute to my journey and have purchased all the acupuncture appointments I need to make this happen. I truly hope that their generous and amazing gift to me helps achieve our miracle of starting our family. I cannot wait to celebrate that day, and cry happy tears with these ladies, who I know will be crying right along with me. 


Thank you again to you ladies who contributed, you know who you are. I am blown away, and can't stop tearing up with happy tears. I am so lucky to call you ladies friends. I love you. xoxo

So far, so good.

Had my first follie check today. I am on day 6 of stims. I have about 5-10 prominent ones. I hope the left ovary picks it up a little bit because the right ovary is kickin butt. I still have the 2 cysts, however they haven't grown at all which is good. I certainly hope things continue to progress!

As far as my sanity, that is another story. I'm doing ok, but this second cycle is a lot harder emotionally. Harder to stay positive, harder to stay hopeful. Harder to see that this cycle CAN turn out differently than the last. I am taking a big step towards changing my attitude and leveling my stress levels. I'm going to start acupuncture! It is highly recommended at different parts of the cycle. It is been noted to help follicle development if administered while stimming, before the ER is recommended to help recovery, before and after the transfer to aid in calming the uterus and making it a more ideal environment for the embryos to keep growing and dividing. The last time they recommend is about 7 days following the ER to help aid in implantation. Now, I know it can't work miracles, and there are no guarantees, but I'm going to go into this with a positive outlook that it certainly can't hurt, and it can only help. If at the very least, it helps my stress level, it will be a HUGE help!

Until Sunday....

'Tis the Season!!

Not only do I have a lot going on with the IVF cycle, however I completely forgot about my holiday cards!! I love, love, LOVE to do a photo card. It is simple, yet personal and a great way to send our holiday wishes along to those we are close with, whether its family or close friends. I know I certainly enjoy getting the variety of cards, pictures or not, in the mail each year!

Normally, I use my old standby, Snapfish. This year, a little birdie told me about Shutterfly! I finally checked it out and they have such wonderful options. It is so easy too. Just pick a layout, put in your pictures, and you have a card that looks professionally made in minutes! Some of my favorites are below:

These are only a few of them. I put in a search with how many pictures I wanted, but you can search for cards with a layout for 1, 2, or 3+ pictures. Some look like a photo montage of sorts! You can search by size, color, paper type, etc. Really, the options are endless. W ith all of these options, how will I choose? Seriously this will be tough, but I can't wait to order them and send them out!

To my fellow bloggers, you need to check out their newest promotion, just click here!! You can use them to make a photo calendar for Christmas gifts or stock up on some personalized thank you cards to use after receiving wonderful gifts this holiday season.  Just another reason why this is the most wonderful time of the year :)

Let the games begin!

Yes I know its been a while, and my lovely bestie Christina totally called me out on my lack of updates. Sorry babe! Anyway, I haven't had much to say, other than we were waiting for the chance to start cycling again. The bcp and lupron phase went ok. No real headaches or nausea from the bcp this time which is great.

I almost hit a road block yesterday. With all of these hormones, there is a risk of cysts forming in my ovaries. This was something I have been aware of, but for some reason it wasn't even a thought in my mind yesterday. Until that is, the u/s tech said that I had two in my left ovary. Both small, but they are there. She didn't want to predict but said if my estrogen levels were low, they would probably let me start this cycle, or wait a week or if not so good test results, go back on bcp for another month. THAT would NOT have made me happy. However, all was well with my b/w and we started stimming last night!

Cue the headaches! Oh my. I am starting at a way higher dosage this time of the Gonal F, adding in another stimulating medication (Meonpur), and have the Lupron I've been taking. Luckily I can mix them together for one shot, instead of 3. That is a bonus! Next appointment is Friday, so you will definitely hear from me by then! Promise!

Oh hey!

It has been a while! I haven't had too much to say, just chugging along and playing the waiting game on bcp. I got my meds yesterday and today, so I am all set there. I start Lupron tomorrow night, so I'm sure the next few weeks will all fly by!

I have to share this video. It cracked my shit up as well as captures some of the stupid and ignorance associated with infertility and IVF. Thank you to one of my wonderful, beautiful, AWESOME friends for pointing it out to me!

YouTube Video

W to the T to the F

I had my, what they call, WTF appointment today. Well, normally its a face-to-face appointment however since I'm an hour away, it was a phone consult. It went.... ok. I wasn't expecting any answers as they usually don't happen to know exactly what went wrong. However, when he comes to the phone and says "It didn't work? Huh, I'm surprised those were very good looking embryos," it does not make me feel any better about any of this. I guess I could look at it as a huge positive that Mr. and Mrs. W can make good looking embryos.

So the ehhhs:

• He said for "someone at my age" he would expect to see more eggs produced.
• No big changes in my protocol that would cause us to have more hope than we did last cycle
• Last cycle failing seems to just be a case of bad luck

So the positives:

• He doesn't not think there is any "maternal factor" keeping us from getting pg and keeping a pg although we'll do a simple blood test to double check
• I will start out at a higher dosage than last time, and include a new medication to hopefully produce more follicles, thus eggs
• He thinks that just a simple "tinkering with dosages" can make a big difference and get us pregnant

Soooo, for now, I am on bcp, and start one of my meds on Thanksgiving day. I will be ordering my meds this week. Wow, I was about to type this week or next but next week is already Thanksgiving!! Holy hell!! Someone grab me a paper bag. 

I'm actually ok.

I really, truly am. I haven't cried, I haven't fallen apart, I think my emotional outbursts last week helped me get it out of my system ahead of time. I am still pissed, bitter, and just angry that this didn't work out. But, I'm not looking back anymore. I'm ready to move forward. WE are ready to move forward.

Today, AF came and I started BCP. I will take this for 3 weeks until Dec. 1st. I will start Lupron on Nov. 25th. Looks like the turkey isn't the only thing getting stuck! Har har har. I will call when I get my next AF and hopefully start stimming! So far we're already adding in another injectable medication. I will get more information on Monday, when I have my consult with the doctor to discus WTF happened, what we can change, what we can do to make this cycle result in a successful pregnancy. In the mean time, its Mr. W's birthday weekend and we're just going to be laid back. After two busy, but AWESOME weekends, we certainly need a little time to relax.

Angry. Pissed. Bitter.

Just 3 short words, but they all describe how I'm feeling right now. Heartbroken, shocked, devastated would be 3 more. This cycle is a bust. It didn't fucking work. My beta/blood test was a 1. Anything under 5 is negative, so, now we wait. Hopefully AF shows soon, I just want to move on. Maybe I should deal with all of this first, have a good cry, get it all out of my system before I decide that? Nah. I know I want to do this again ASAP. The longer we wait, the longer we wait for our baby. I think we've waited long enough to tell you the truth.

The only part of me that hesitates slightly, is wondering if my body NEEDS the break. I don't want to do anything that compromises another chance just because I don't want to wait another month. I spoke with the nurses today though and they say that they do that quite often. I also read some things and they say that they usually have you wait for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. To me, I'll be more of a wreck waiting, since we've already spent 5 months this year not TTC. I will not speak to the doctor for our WTF happened appointment until Monday, however I have faith they wouldn't let patients cycle again right away if they thought it had any negative effect on the future cycles.

So Monday it is. Lots of questions, what went wrong, what can we do to try to make sure this next cycle is our last? Those will be just some of them I'll be asking but it will be nice to get answers. Some things I read today said to not look at a failed cycle as a negative, but a positive because we learned some things about what works and what doesn't. I guess, that's one way to look at it. Perhaps some day soon I can. But for now, I'm still so fucking bitter. My grape vodka and sprite are my friends tonight. I'm ok with that. Mr. W is also my rock right now. He has been amazing.

Thanks for listening to me bitch. I will leave you with this. I was driving home last night and one of my favorite songs of the moment came on. This phrase stuck with me, and its so true. The story of our lives right now:

"They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding."

I hate to even put this here

But I'm losing it. Not completely but if I'm not an emotional basket case right now, I don't know what else you'd call it. I was doing great until Tuesday. Monday, was a typical Monday. Went to work, all day kept positive that we only have a week left until the blood test. A week down in this 2ww, just 1 week to go. That's it!

Then Tuesday came and for some reason, I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I am scared as shit of this not working. All I can think about is the upcoming holidays and my birthday and I can't fathom getting through them right now. I honestly don't know where my positive self went. I need her back! I don't like feeling this way, I really don't. I don't feel like I have any control over my thoughts or emotions. Not a great feeling. I'm trying to take the deep breathes, think of my puppies, think of things that make me happy. Works for about a minute. I need it to be Monday already. Who the hell wishes the weekend away to get to a Monday I ask? No one in their right mind.

5dp3dt

This is where I'm at today and is equivalent to 8dpo. So what's going on in there today? Well here is a timeline for you:

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining <----- ME TODAY!!! SNUGGLE IN!!
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on
HPT

Some say take one day at a time

Right now we're living one week at a time. The 2ww that is. One week gone, which was quite eventful I might add, and one more week to go. I did get confirmation today that I have zero embies that made it to freeze so no snow babies. That's ok. I am still feeling very positive about this week ending in great news. I think for once, we're going to really enjoy the holidays this year!!

It is that time again....

.....that my embies are the most beautiful and fascinating thing I have ever seen

.... that my blackberry is dying a miserable death, meaning its making me miserable, and Verizon sucks for not letting me upgrade earlier than Dec.
....that constipation is one of the worst feelings ever
.....People will always continue to amaze and surprise me every day, some not in a great way
....in good luck charms
....that Halloween is my least favorite holiday
....every women should treat herself to a massage when she really needs it

.....that I happen to have the best furbabies ever, and celebrating their birthdays makes me giddy! Happy 4th Birthday today Jakey!!!!(the poopy in black)

I like the number 5!

I think it looks like a fabulous number!! That is how many embryos I have waiting for me right now. Out of the 7 retrieved yesterday, 6 were mature and 5 fertilized. That is an excellent outcome in my opinion. Also, no waiting around to see how they do, I am scheduled for my transfer on Thursday! The day of my dog Jakey's birthday! So its gotta be a good day, right? A fabulous day to get pregnant.

For some details and answers to questions I've gotten. We are transferring them. This is not the same as implantation. They still have to snuggle in tight and hang on once they are put in. This is the only part of the procedure that they have no control over. I have a nice thick lining though, so I'm sure it will be a wonderful cushioned environment that at least one embie will want to hang out in.

As far as how many we will transfer, well we are 99% we will transfer 2, as long as we still have 2 thriving by then. We will see what the doctor recommends. I suspect he will suggest 1-2.

In the mean time, I am doing a progesterone suppository in the morning, and a pill of estrace, estrogen basically daily. This means one thing shoved up my vag in the morning, and one thing shoved up there at night. My vag is going to be a busy place! However, no sex for Mr. W. Sorry babes, doctor's orders! I go in for my beta test to see if I am pregnant on Monday, Nov. 8th. You can count on me to cheat though. I have a thing for peeing on things. Stay tuned!!

7 is our new lucky number!

Well we had the ER today. I was almost sure they were going to get at least 10 eggs, but they got 7. I know, I know, its a GREAT number, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly disappointed. I know that the idea is quality over quantity and whoever said that is absolutely right. I know we have 7 quality eggs in there. Rockstars I'd like to call them because I just know we'll get a great report tomorrow.

So what will we find out tomorrow? Well, they will tell us out of those 7, how many were mature, and how many fertilized. Then from there, we will find out when they want to transfer them. Not implant, but transfer. Once they put them back in, they still need to implant. That is the only part of this process they don't have control over.

Now that you're updated, I must go rest. Mr. W has been adorable all day. Started off so nervous for me, and worried. It was cute. Now he is trying to wait on me hand and foot, and even went out and got flowers for me while I was sleeping. He's a keeper!

Another Update and a teaching lesson for y'all

 Monday it is!! Most people dread Mondays. I am not alone on that, unless its my day off during my busy time at work, or I have exciting plans, or I'm one step closer to getting pregnant. Well, that's this Monday!!! Only a couple of days away, and I am scheduled bright and early for my egg retrieval. What is that? Well, there is a video to show you below, but basically they go in, with a tiny needle, and take out the eggs out of my follicles. After today's update we still have 10 really good ones, and smaller ones right there as well. My u/s technician took a guess today at how many eggs we might get. She said 12 plus or minus a few. How exciting!!!

So what happens on Monday when they take away my eggs. Well, they take Mr. W's sperm and fertilize them! Now, some people leave it to chance. Introduce the sperm and the egg, and and let nature take its course. We do not have that option. Not only does Mr. W have a low number of swimmers, some of them are drunk. Not really, but about half of the low number he does have, are not moving or abnormally shaped (square head instead of round) or more than one tail. Just not what we're looking for. So, to avoid the risk of the eggs not fertilizing, or fertilzing with abnormal sperm and then having the embryo not make it, they will be doing a process called ICSI. Intracytoplasmic sperm injection. They actually take a needle and insert one tiny perfect, round head, one tailed sperm into my egg. It is also showed in the video below! This will happen on Monday as well. Mr. W will give his sample, they will take my eggs, and then they will do some embryo making! We should hear on Tuesday how they are doing for our first fertilization report. Then we may be getting one or two of our embryos transferred back in either 3 or 5 days after. So, Thursday or Saturday. To say that I'm excited is an understatement. Mr. W is more on the cautiously optimistic side. Can't say I blame him.

So without further hesitation, here it all is in animated video. It is only about 3 minutes long.  I could explain it you all day, but then again, a picture is worth a thousand words. Video here

I believe...

 











..... that pomegranate juice is best served as a martini with a splash of lime

..... that heart surgery is scary shit but its going to turn out just perfect
......that my day is complete when I make another person laugh or smile
......in the 4 Bs. My Bruised, Bloated, Buddha  Belly is grossing me out right now but it will all be worth it

.....that I am brave, but not that brave. No side views here but trust me, I look 4 months pregnant
.....that family means everything
.....its ok to go to work with your pants unbuttoned and elastic waistbands are severely underrated
.....that I'm getting KU next week

Updates, updates and more updates!

Does anyone even read these? I'm kidding, I know I have some eager readers. Anyway, things went very well today! Blood work looks good! My ute lining is up from 3something to start to now 12something! I knew choking down that pomegranate juice would be helpful. Or maybe it wasn't at all but that's what I keep telling myself so that the upset stomach its giving me isn't for naught.

Right now we're up to at least 10 follicles in the lead, largest being 16 mm. There are several smaller ones that may or may not catch up as well. I go in Friday for another update, and definitely ER date, but its looking like Monday. Hey guys I'm getting KU next week!!! WOOT!!

Update #3

Good but another increase in meds!
I have 7 "lead follicles" that they are looking at right now. There are still several smaller ones that could catch up or be in the running. It is still early and so they upped my dosage again. My lining looks much better too, forming a nice tri-layer as its supposed to. Perfect for those little embies to snuggle in soon. Right now, there is nothing more exciting to tell. I feel ok, minus some lingering headaches, fatigue and stomach aches. The stomach aches are new, and those can go as quickly as they came. More to come on Wednesday!

Update #2

Looks like we're moving in the right direction! However, just a small tweak, as in an increase in dosage. That's ok though. No biggie. I'm still sticking myself with needles, yes plural, every night so a change in dosage is just a minor detail.

So at this point, the lining is a little thin. The u/s tech saw some fluid in there so it may just be because I just had AF and its early in my cycle. I have bought some wonderful tasting pomegranate juice to help spruce things up a bit in there. Hey, its good for me at least!

13 is the magic number today. Number of follies that is. I am good with that number. Now I just need them to grow and all grow together at similar rates like they are supposed to.


Oh and I totally figured out how I feel in the mornings when I wake up. Something like this....

Yes. My head hurts, I feel fuzzy, and I just want to go back to sleep. Just like I drank a whole bottle (or 2) of wine or champagne the night before. Every day. Some days its like I only had one glass too many. Some mornings it is comparable to having one bottle too many.

Well the BCP were good for one thing.

Ok maybe 2.
It gave me clear, beautiful skin. Seriously, I skipped the gross acne in my teen years but I think now I'm making up for it. It was bad this summer, holding steady this fall, disappeared on the bcp, and has greeted me again. Lovely. I have Orien's belt of acne on my cheeks.

The other plus, was the feeling not so bloated feeling. Yep, felt skinny on those pills. Ironic, no?

My friend started this idea and I must say I happen to love it. She has a fabulous blog, please check her out!

So, here I go.

I believe....

that my e-friends are some of the most amazing, inspiring, and supportive women and my life has changed for the better just getting to know all of them.

that I need to meet more of my e-friends.

that every bruise, bleed, and needle stick will be worth it.

that Dunkin Donuts is the best coffee ever.

that animals have the most amazing way of turning your frown upside down when you need it most.

that is perfectly acceptable that I have eaten most of my weight watchers points, only in the form of cookies  and its only 2pm.                                    

Baseline appointment update

WOOT! It all looks good so far!! Waiting on the b/w and my instructions, however the u/s was great! Lining looks good and for a follie count, we have 6 on the right and "at least" 4 on the left. I will take it! Next appointment is Friday.

Can I just say I am so flippin excited!? Really, bring it on because I am ready to get pregnant!!

UPDATE! Got the call and we start stimming tonight!! I also start a couple other pills and take my antibiotic tonight as well as Mr. W. Its a one time, mix the liquid and powder together and down it shot. Looks like it will be his and hers antibiotic shots together tonight!

War wounds

Crappy cell phone pic but you get the idea. The bruise was from 2 nights ago, last night was flawless on the other side, and went back to this side. That bandaid is to prevent the bloody mess. Another war wound will be showing up. Good thing no one has to see that area!

::Throws out bcp::

Last one taken today!! WOOT WOOT!! I was about as excited to throw them away and be done with them this time, as I was, way back when in May of 2008. Back when I was naive enough to think we were two young, healthy, fertile people who would be making a baby in no time. No, not us. The universe has other plans for us. They wanted us to learn some life lessons first. I truly believe that we had to learn just a bit more patience, and a bit more appreciation for each other first. I believe all these life lessons will allow us to be better parents. We will be appreciating all the little things that are taken for granted far too often. That's ok though. We all have different roads taken and different paths in our journey. They shape us and form us into the individuals, partners, parents, friends, family that we are supposed to be. I know I have grown immensely in this past year and a half, as I've seen Mr. W change and grow as well. It actually makes me smile most days. All for a better cause, all for the family we're meant to have.

Ouch.

For the love of God. Injections are going ok. For some reason the first one didn't hurt, but the rest haven't been so nice to me. Not super painful but definitely not fun. Tonight, I bled. Like there is a bandaid on my belly bleeding. WTF.

Also, I woke up today felt like I got run over by a truck. I felt better as the day went on. So, either the side effects are setting in OR I'm getting sick. Either way, its to bed I go. 9pm is a great bed time me thinks!

3 days in

I'm doing good! For some reason, the first injection didn't hurt, then the second one did a little, and the third one did the most. Why is it hurting more? I thought yesterday hurt because I didn't take my time as much and was a little too cocky about it. Tonight I went slow and it hurt the most. I also stopped mid poke. Duh.

Anyway, so far, no side effects. I have been drinking water like usual, in hopes that it will help stave off any headaches. Hopefully they don't pop up when I go back to work. **fingers crossed**

What a week! Let the games begin...

Well let me just say that all in all it was a great week. I had a wonderful appointment on Tuesday, learning how to inject myself. I met with the lady that does my monitoring appointments. She was so very helpful, and willing to answer any questions I had. Found out what I should do regarding exercise, my abnormal papsmear that needed to be scheduled, and how the monitoring appointments work. Anytime I get some answers to questions about this process it is a great thing.

Today, I had my papsmear. For those that don't know, I had an abnormal pap in Feb. and had to do a colposcopy with a biopsy. Luckily, it did not go any further into other procedures such as a LEEP, which I'm all too familiar with, just instructions to follow up in 6 months. So that was me today. It was great to see my midwife. She is just an absolute doll. She never rushes me, takes time to listen, and was truly interested to hear what we've been doing since I last saw her regarding our journey to have a family. She told me three times that she was sending prayers of pregnancy for me. I truly am lucky to connect so well with the medical professionals in my life.

So tonight, was my first injection of Lupron. I have to do the injections myself because Mr. W is askeeered of needles! LOL Anyway, I got soooo nervous about doing it right before I had to. I just stood there thinking "I don't wanna!!" But, I finally sucked it up and pushed that needle in. It didn't hurt!!! Now, however, its red, stinging and swelled up like I have a mosquito bite but seriously y'all I feel so much better getting that first shot out of the way. I CAN DO THIS!!!!!

What a fantastic week!

Ahead that is! I have so many things to look forward to. Today marks day 11 of bcp, just over half way done. Tomorrow is my appointment to learn how to become a junkie (kidding!), and Friday is the start of med #1 which will be taken through the 11th which is my next big appointment.

Oh and not to mention I'm kicking off this week with a day OFF and possibly happy hour at my favorite place for margaritas and bean dip! Better jump on the treadmill before I go ;)

So yeah 1 week down, 2 to go!

WOOHOO!!! However next week is still a big week!!

I thought these stupid side effects were going away, but no today sucks. Such nausea I hate it. Also, getting up to pee during the night because I drink so much water, however I feel parched all the time and can't get enough! Kind of counterproductive, don't you think? Oh well, it will all be worth it in the end. Something tells me though, this is just the beginning.

Bring it on, I can do this!

4 down, 17 to go

Yes, that would be what I say to myself every morning I pop my pills. I do have to say that this month is FLYING! I cannot believe when I wrote out a check today, I had to triple check the date. How is it in the 20s of the month already!? A week from this Friday is October. Oct-freakin-tober. The month I am getting pregnant for the record.

So, things are good. Got back on the treadmill today for just a quick 2 miles and walking with Mr. W and our poopies. My feet are killing me. I have also had random bouts of nausea today too which is not so good. I am not really sure why, I am on the bcp I took prior to TTC. Huh. Hope that goes away soon!

Annnnnd we're off!

Today was an exciting and very good day. I had my baseline blood work and ultrasound. Everything looked great so we finally got the green light to start my BCP! WOOT!

Also, I made my appointment to learn how to inject myself (OUCH!) and made my baseline blood work and ultrasound appointment for the final step before starting the stims! No more waiting on AF!!! I cannot explain to you how happy I am about that since it never comes when I want it to. Some big dates ahead:


September 17 - Start BCP
September 28 - Learn how to inject myself
October 1 - Start med #1, Lupron and take every day until told otherwise
October 7 - Stop BCP
October 11 - Baseline ultrasound and blood work

Nothing but positive thoughts and a positive attitude from here on out. Fingers crossed for smooth sailing to our future family!

She's here!!!

Let cycle 18 begin. I've never been so happy to see my period come before. I'm sure Mr. W is thankful as well since these past few days I've gone between wanting to cry and wanting to rip someone's head off. Finally, my favorite time of the month can come and then get the heck up outta here! I have an ultrasound and blood work scheduled for Friday of this week and hopefully I will begin my weekend by starting birth control. Hold up, why birth control? Let me explain why.

Birth control pills or, more correctly, oral contraceptive pills (OCPs) can be used as a part of the IVF stimulation protocol in several different settings. In my case, OCPs may help mitigate the risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.Basically they suspect that since I ovulate normally on my own, I may respond well to these medications and they don't want too much of an effect. This is a way of controlling my hormones, preventing any cysts from forming, and putting my body at state to start from scratch so to speak.

So, I will be taking them for 14-21 days. Not sure when I find out exactly how long, but hopefully soon! Either way, its one step forward in this long, complicated, yet exciting process!

Come out, come out wherever you are!?

Come on AF. Time to come out and play. Well, ironically when AF is here the last thing I want is play time. HOWEVER I am ready to get this show on the road and we need things to start happening down there in order to start. I was all set to start AF this weekend, go in for my baseline monitoring today on my day off, and of couuuuurse my body did not want to cooperate. Its ok. I'm not mad. I'm not even frustrated. I just am chuckling to myself, and saying of course. I was silly to expect cooperation. But, with that said, if this is the only issue I have, I'll take it.

OMG this is really happening!

We got my meds today and they came in LOTS of boxes and adorable coolers. Soooooo intimidating and exciting at the same time.

Honestly to the left you see about $4500.00 of drugs all for me at the low cost of $87.03. Can we say kick ass insurance coverage? The only thing not in that grouping is my birth control which is waiting for me at my local pharmacy. I can pick that up any day. I SHOULD be getting AF in less than a week, so then I will have some baseline monitoring including an ultrasound and blood work and then get started on the birth control for 14-21 days. I am not sure yet at which time they will tell me whether its 14 or 21, but I'm just rolling with it.

On another note, Mr. W chose this time when he actually saw the picture of the meds to freak out on me. Ummm no I need you positive please. I understand with his failed repair, still having some discomfort, he is at his lowest right now with faith in doctors. I also know he's guarding and not letting himself get too excited either. I told him I need you to be 100% supportive and positive please because I do not know how I'm going to be when it comes to giving myself injections and he sure as hell can't look at a needle much less plunge one into me. He agreed, and I know he will. Get it all out of your system now honey!

So while laying in bed last night...

Anyone else think of their blog entries this way? Well my eyes were sleepy yet my brain couldn't shut off. I couldn't help thinking about the crazy roller coaster of TTC and how its a quick ride for most and a never ending ride for some. Why is that? Seriously why is it that some women can get pregnant pretty much whenever they decide its time, and others, have to go through such hell. I mean don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for them! I wish it was so easy for everyone. I cannot say one woman is more deserving than other, however it just makes you wonder WHY.

Besides myself, there are several other lovely women in my life that have struggled right along side of me and some have gotten pregnant and are waiting for their outside babies and others are still getting treatment, being monitored, considering ideas, still on that roller coaster without any notice of when the ride will come to an end. These are extraordinary women! They would be phenomenal mothers! They handle this awful ride with such grace and dignity and still have oodles of thoughtfulness for others. So again, why?

I love when people try to offer comfort in the words of  "Don't worry it will happen" or "Your time will come." First of all, I'm not really sure these people can tell the future and to be frank, its not comforting at all. Sure I think if we knew when IT will happen or what treatment will give us our babies, then that would be our light at the end of the tunnel and help us get through this ever day struggle. There is no crystal ball, only hope which gets hard to hold on to.

I am certain of a few things. I'm certain that there really is no answer to the why. I'm certain that life is unfair and certainly doesn't make sense. I'm certain that this process, although its sucked and has been heart breaking has been a process of tremendous growth. I can only speak for myself here, but I try to find the positive in everything. The positive in my journey is that myself, as well as my husband, have learned patience. We've learned to appreciate the little mile stones in life and not take each other or others for granted. We WILL be better parents for all we've been through. And we WILL be parents. :)

So this is what they say.

And if nothing else in the past year and a half, this has been proven to us over and over again. We jumped on the bandwagon of trying to conceive, never thinking it would bring us anything but excitement, fun and of course, a pregnancy. Boy we were wrong. We have had a few positive tests, but they haven't ended well. I am currently coming to an end of cycle 17. Yes, you read that right. We are both relatively healthy individuals who live a good life, work hard for what we've achieved and are ready for the next step. So why does this have to be so hard? We don't know the whys, or the how comes, or really the end result. All we know is the end must justify the means. So follow along, while I share with you our journey to expand our family, which in turn has been a road of growth and maturity, and a harsh lesson that nothing comes easy.