Monday, November 8, 2010

Angry. Pissed. Bitter.

Just 3 short words, but they all describe how I'm feeling right now. Heartbroken, shocked, devastated would be 3 more. This cycle is a bust. It didn't fucking work. My beta/blood test was a 1. Anything under 5 is negative, so, now we wait. Hopefully AF shows soon, I just want to move on. Maybe I should deal with all of this first, have a good cry, get it all out of my system before I decide that? Nah. I know I want to do this again ASAP. The longer we wait, the longer we wait for our baby. I think we've waited long enough to tell you the truth.

The only part of me that hesitates slightly, is wondering if my body NEEDS the break. I don't want to do anything that compromises another chance just because I don't want to wait another month. I spoke with the nurses today though and they say that they do that quite often. I also read some things and they say that they usually have you wait for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. To me, I'll be more of a wreck waiting, since we've already spent 5 months this year not TTC. I will not speak to the doctor for our WTF happened appointment until Monday, however I have faith they wouldn't let patients cycle again right away if they thought it had any negative effect on the future cycles.

So Monday it is. Lots of questions, what went wrong, what can we do to try to make sure this next cycle is our last? Those will be just some of them I'll be asking but it will be nice to get answers. Some things I read today said to not look at a failed cycle as a negative, but a positive because we learned some things about what works and what doesn't. I guess, that's one way to look at it. Perhaps some day soon I can. But for now, I'm still so fucking bitter. My grape vodka and sprite are my friends tonight. I'm ok with that. Mr. W is also my rock right now. He has been amazing.

Thanks for listening to me bitch. I will leave you with this. I was driving home last night and one of my favorite songs of the moment came on. This phrase stuck with me, and its so true. The story of our lives right now:

"They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding."


  1. So, so sorry! Life's not fair.

  2. My heart breaks for you! (((hugs)))

  3. xoxo thinking about you lots!

    If it means anything when my sister was trying to do the surrogacy for the other they didn't wait to try again.

  4. Many hugs and much love to you, my dear.