Oh hey!

It has been a while! I haven't had too much to say, just chugging along and playing the waiting game on bcp. I got my meds yesterday and today, so I am all set there. I start Lupron tomorrow night, so I'm sure the next few weeks will all fly by!

I have to share this video. It cracked my shit up as well as captures some of the stupid and ignorance associated with infertility and IVF. Thank you to one of my wonderful, beautiful, AWESOME friends for pointing it out to me!

YouTube Video

W to the T to the F

I had my, what they call, WTF appointment today. Well, normally its a face-to-face appointment however since I'm an hour away, it was a phone consult. It went.... ok. I wasn't expecting any answers as they usually don't happen to know exactly what went wrong. However, when he comes to the phone and says "It didn't work? Huh, I'm surprised those were very good looking embryos," it does not make me feel any better about any of this. I guess I could look at it as a huge positive that Mr. and Mrs. W can make good looking embryos.

So the ehhhs:

• He said for "someone at my age" he would expect to see more eggs produced.
• No big changes in my protocol that would cause us to have more hope than we did last cycle
• Last cycle failing seems to just be a case of bad luck

So the positives:

• He doesn't not think there is any "maternal factor" keeping us from getting pg and keeping a pg although we'll do a simple blood test to double check
• I will start out at a higher dosage than last time, and include a new medication to hopefully produce more follicles, thus eggs
• He thinks that just a simple "tinkering with dosages" can make a big difference and get us pregnant

Soooo, for now, I am on bcp, and start one of my meds on Thanksgiving day. I will be ordering my meds this week. Wow, I was about to type this week or next but next week is already Thanksgiving!! Holy hell!! Someone grab me a paper bag. 

I'm actually ok.

I really, truly am. I haven't cried, I haven't fallen apart, I think my emotional outbursts last week helped me get it out of my system ahead of time. I am still pissed, bitter, and just angry that this didn't work out. But, I'm not looking back anymore. I'm ready to move forward. WE are ready to move forward.

Today, AF came and I started BCP. I will take this for 3 weeks until Dec. 1st. I will start Lupron on Nov. 25th. Looks like the turkey isn't the only thing getting stuck! Har har har. I will call when I get my next AF and hopefully start stimming! So far we're already adding in another injectable medication. I will get more information on Monday, when I have my consult with the doctor to discus WTF happened, what we can change, what we can do to make this cycle result in a successful pregnancy. In the mean time, its Mr. W's birthday weekend and we're just going to be laid back. After two busy, but AWESOME weekends, we certainly need a little time to relax.

Angry. Pissed. Bitter.

Just 3 short words, but they all describe how I'm feeling right now. Heartbroken, shocked, devastated would be 3 more. This cycle is a bust. It didn't fucking work. My beta/blood test was a 1. Anything under 5 is negative, so, now we wait. Hopefully AF shows soon, I just want to move on. Maybe I should deal with all of this first, have a good cry, get it all out of my system before I decide that? Nah. I know I want to do this again ASAP. The longer we wait, the longer we wait for our baby. I think we've waited long enough to tell you the truth.

The only part of me that hesitates slightly, is wondering if my body NEEDS the break. I don't want to do anything that compromises another chance just because I don't want to wait another month. I spoke with the nurses today though and they say that they do that quite often. I also read some things and they say that they usually have you wait for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. To me, I'll be more of a wreck waiting, since we've already spent 5 months this year not TTC. I will not speak to the doctor for our WTF happened appointment until Monday, however I have faith they wouldn't let patients cycle again right away if they thought it had any negative effect on the future cycles.

So Monday it is. Lots of questions, what went wrong, what can we do to try to make sure this next cycle is our last? Those will be just some of them I'll be asking but it will be nice to get answers. Some things I read today said to not look at a failed cycle as a negative, but a positive because we learned some things about what works and what doesn't. I guess, that's one way to look at it. Perhaps some day soon I can. But for now, I'm still so fucking bitter. My grape vodka and sprite are my friends tonight. I'm ok with that. Mr. W is also my rock right now. He has been amazing.

Thanks for listening to me bitch. I will leave you with this. I was driving home last night and one of my favorite songs of the moment came on. This phrase stuck with me, and its so true. The story of our lives right now:

"They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding."

I hate to even put this here

But I'm losing it. Not completely but if I'm not an emotional basket case right now, I don't know what else you'd call it. I was doing great until Tuesday. Monday, was a typical Monday. Went to work, all day kept positive that we only have a week left until the blood test. A week down in this 2ww, just 1 week to go. That's it!

Then Tuesday came and for some reason, I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I am scared as shit of this not working. All I can think about is the upcoming holidays and my birthday and I can't fathom getting through them right now. I honestly don't know where my positive self went. I need her back! I don't like feeling this way, I really don't. I don't feel like I have any control over my thoughts or emotions. Not a great feeling. I'm trying to take the deep breathes, think of my puppies, think of things that make me happy. Works for about a minute. I need it to be Monday already. Who the hell wishes the weekend away to get to a Monday I ask? No one in their right mind.

5dp3dt

This is where I'm at today and is equivalent to 8dpo. So what's going on in there today? Well here is a timeline for you:

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining <----- ME TODAY!!! SNUGGLE IN!!
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on
HPT

Some say take one day at a time

Right now we're living one week at a time. The 2ww that is. One week gone, which was quite eventful I might add, and one more week to go. I did get confirmation today that I have zero embies that made it to freeze so no snow babies. That's ok. I am still feeling very positive about this week ending in great news. I think for once, we're going to really enjoy the holidays this year!!